Exploring your Kinks

One of the most exciting things about being kinky is to no one's great surprise: getting to explore and actually practice all the kinks you have fantasized about. It varies when those kinks first surfaced, and you should not feel bad if you have had certain kinks and kinky ideasWhile these moments can be scary and difficult to navigate, they can be resolved and - if handled correctly - will strengthen your bond, increase your mutual trust and make subsequent engagements that much more gratifying.since you were young. Kink is often a natural part of sexual development and can often be perfectly natural inclinations you simply have in you just as much as your sexual orientation is part of you. In some cases, your kinks might be related to bad or even traumatic experiences. If that is the case, please ensure you seek professional help and support to properly process it all and eventually heal.

No matter where your kinks come from or what they might be, I want to talk about some points I find important in regard to exploring them.

1. You matter & your kinks do not define you as a person.
2. Explore (by) yourself first.
3. Porn & Social Media (no matter the medium) are not depicting reality.
4. Inexperienced partners are not always bad, experienced partners are not always good.
5. Some kinks are never fully safe (understanding RACK).
1. Choking and Breath Play
2. Impact Play (kicking, slapping, punching, whipping etc.)
3. Elemental Play (electricity, fire, ice, etc.)
4. Blood Play (biting, scratching, cutting, etc.)
5. Substance Play (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
6. Take it slow.
7. Sub-Frenzy is real and you need to understand it (even or especially if you are a dominant).
8. Sub-/Dom-Drop are real and you should know about them.
9. You might encounter abusive, predatory and vile people on your journey.
• General Red Flags in (kink) dating
10. Handling rejections

1. You matter ❤️

I have met many kinksters that struggle with their sense of self and self-worth when it comes to dealing with accepting themselves and their kinks. This comes in many forms. Sometimes it is influenced by their upbringing, religious or cultural influences or simply the origins of their kinks. Despite more and more "mainstream" adaptation of kink in popular media, there still is a stigma attached to these practices. Inexperienced (but even very experienced) kinksters might feel wrong for their needs and kinks. After all you should not wish to hurt or be hurt by a person you supposedly love. You are meant to keep yourself safe and healthy. Being hurt or hurting yourself is the antithesis to how we as a species are wired. However, just as some people are heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, demisexual, etc. some people are simply wired to enjoy things others would deem unacceptable, horrid, disgusting or morally wrong.

If you find yourself feeling like you are wrong for wanting what you want, for enjoying the kinks that make you oh so excited, let me tell you with wholehearted conviction:

You are fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You are allowed to feel this way. You are not alone. Others want these things as well and it can be done safely.

Don't believe me? While this website might not look like a lot of work, people like me put in hours of their lives to help others understand and accept themselves for who they are, because we have done it as well. It is normal to worry about fitting in, about being an outsider, about not finding your people, your group, a partner (or multiple) and possibly worst of all: never finding love or being worthy of being loved.

While I have largely avoided bringing anecdotes into my expression on the many topics covered in my writing, I wish to make an exception here, and tell you a little story about myself. I am an introvert but did not understand or even know what that meant until I was in my early 20s. Up to that point I was convinced something was wrong with me and I will have to forever pretend to be excited about social engagements and meeting lots of people all the time. I literally thought I was alone and that I will just have to endure it. Funnily enough, I knew I was not alone with kink long before I even realized what a "social battery" is or why I prefer being by myself or with my partners as opposed to attending parties, concerts or other events with lots of people. I realized it all because I read "Quiet" by Susan Cain. The feeling of relief I experienced when this incredibly large puzzle piece of who I am fell into place was overwhelming and still is to this day. My point is: maybe you simply need to read the account of someone like me for your puzzle piece to finally fall into place when it comes to your experiences and desires with kink. Maybe you just need to hear that it's okay to be who you are and that you're not alone with it. Not only that, there are people who will adore and love you immensely precisely for who you are - kinks included.

I have always known I was kinky to some degree, even when I did not have the words for it. I can even find certain patterns and thoughts in early stages of sexual development and curiosity which I can (luckily) securely know not to have been the results of any sort of abuse. It's simply who I have always been. It's simply how I was born. While it all has expanded, evolved and changed over time, I know the core of my desires just as my sexuality overall, being an introvert and loving stories are me, no matter what the rest of the world might think about that.

You matter. If you feel you matter to no one, there is one person you will always matter to and that is yourself. You must accept yourself first and understand you are fine. Your kinks do not define you as a person and they do not dictate who you are from a moral or ethical perspective. As long as you practice kink safely, consensually and sanely with other adults (or your age appropriate peers, if you are not quite there), there is nothing wrong with it at all.

Think of it this way: hating Broccoli does not make you less of a person or worse for it, even if everyone around you adores it and has it every day for lunch. Humans are diverse and each of us is unique. You are allowed to want the things you want and to pursue your kinks while observing safety, consent and sanity.

Even the worst sadist can and will have a nurturing side. Even the most submissive person will be able to take charge and be in leadership roles. Your kinks aren't everything you are and really also should not be everything you are. They are a part of you, a very fun part. Embrace this side of you, learn about it and you will eventually find others that will enjoy these kinks with you.

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2. Exploring on your own.

We all have our own journey when we explore our sexuality and kinks. Puberty is a wild time for so many reasons but for a lot of kinksters their desires and ideas are present very early on. As discussed in the previous section, there is nothing wrong with it. Kinks come in a large variety and range from tame to extreme. Whatever your kinks might be, it is very important for you to understand your own wishes and research those kinks specifically and understand your own drive and hopes for how exploring these kinks with others might turn out.

Kink does not exclude the possibility for romance and is often a wonderful basis for extremely deep connections and loving relationships. I am pointing this out specifically, because there is a certain stigma attached to kinks (some more than others) and that might lead to someone new to exploring this side of themselves to believe that they do not deserve more tender feelings and interactions alongside the harder elements of their kinks. They would be wrong. Having experienced both vanilla (non kinky) and kinky relationships, I can say with certainty that the prerequisites for good kink relationships are the best ground to plant a strong, loving and long lasting relationships in. Of course, there are wonderfully strong and deep vanilla connections as well. It is simply a fact that kinks (if practiced sensibly and safely) require everyone to dispose of assumptions and clearly communicate and reflect on everyone's needs, starting with their own. This kind of clarity going into relationships removes many possibilities for misunderstandings right from the start and fosters an ongoing dialogue that will likely last throughout the entire relationship.

The most important relationship you will ever have in your life is your relationship with yourself. You will spend your entire life from the first second to the last with the person you are, were and will become. Do not underestimate how essential it is for you to have a good relationship with yourself first and foremost. Ideally you would love yourself unconditionally at all times, but realistically that is a tall order even at the best of days. What you should strive for is treating yourself with the same kindness and care that you would give to anyone that captures your heart and soul completely.

My advice for your kink journey therefore is: Start with yourself. Look inward, reflect, explore, go down rabbit holes and research. Maybe even try a few things. Curious about pain? A quick pinch might do the trick - though administering any interaction yourself will never quite be the same as when another does it. Nearly everything is more fun together. But that does not mean you can't get a feeling for it by self-experimentation. Something I have found to be helpful in reflecting on your own desires is the act of writing. Write a story about the things that you would like to do or have done to you. Be sure not to write about any actual people (besides your own self insert) unless you have their consent, but in your fantasies put to paper you can see where the current of thought takes you. You will see what excites you reading it back and where you feel things are getting a little bit awkward.

You may explore using pornographic material, I myself write erotic fiction involving such topics as non-consent and many other kinks but do read on to the next section where I discuss some of the problems with such media (my own included).

Eventually you will want to experience your kinks, and this is where it gets really dicey. The more you know about your own desires and limits, the better you will be equipped dealing with the advances of people who propose to give you an entry to the wonderful world of your kinks coming to life. Here is something important to note:

You do not need to try something to know with certainty it is not for you. You might encounter people who have some overlap with your kinks but want things that you do not wish to participate in. A common refrain in such situations is "Okay, but have you even tried it!? Maybe you do like it! You can never know unless you try." - first of all: That is a bit of a red flag. Respecting your communicated limits is always important. Certainly, some curiosity is allowed as to why you might have that limit, but the limit itself should not be questioned in itself. Do not engage in a discussion around why you do not wish to try a certain act or kink. I can tell you with certainty I do not wish to be run over by a bus, and I have never tried it. No, I have also never tried being run over by a car or even a bike. I still know that I do not wish to experience these things. This goes for kinks as well. Your health and safety always come first and that includes your emotional and psychological health and integrity. Being pressured into trying a kink is never alright and anyone trying it repeatedly should not be trusted.

You know who you don't have to worry about this with? Yourself. If you first safely and extensively explore by and with yourself, you will naturally stop when you encounter things that are not for you. Once you find them, note down what it was that was not for you - maybe even a reason if you wish to be able to reflect and reference on it at a later point, but certainly do be sure to remember.

While you might be in a situation in your life where you do not like yourself very much or outright find yourself horrible either in appearance or personality, this can actually be helped with self-exploration and learning about others that share some of your kinks. Kinship is important to all of us and realizing that you're not alone with your desires and others would love to get to know you and learn about your wants and needs will likely help yourself find a greater level of acceptance. I don't claim that kinky self-exploration will solve deep rooted psychological issues, and I urge you to seek help if you are engaging in self-destructive behavior and other forms of self-hatred. But I will say that understanding your wants, needs and limits will help navigating feelings as they come up.

Why does this excite you? Why does this disgust you? Trying to keep track of it, reflecting on it consciously and intentionally will help open many doors inside your own mind. And this is most certainly not limited to the exploration of kinks.

You will be the safest possible partner for your first steps into kinks. Do not skip this step.

What's more: this is an ongoing process. Even 20 years after I have taken my first conscious steps into kinky relationships and started my journey properly beyond the realm of fantasies I find I enjoy new things and no longer enjoy others. There is always room to reflect, grow, improve and most importantly to be kinder to yourself. You might make mistakes, understanding those and learning lessons to prevent them in the future will help you grow into an incredibly reliable, trustworthy and wonderful person. Never stop looking inward and understanding who you are at any given time. Life can be very harsh and stressful. Sometimes you might lose yourself. Making a habit of introspection is a very helpful long term tool to keep yourself on track and find your own way even when things get really dark.

You will always have yourself. Make sure you're someone you wish to be with. No one else can do that for you.

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3. Porn is fake.

I am making no exception with my writings on this website or other places. Pron & (Social) Media depictions of kink do not show reality. While my own writings are aimed to be as educational and instructional as possible, they are inherently written to entertain and to please my own artistic desires. None of these factors might shape my work in a way that is good or needed for you. The same goes for all porn, all posts, all writing, everything you might find in regards to this topic. Influencers and even friends will only ever show certain sides of themselves, there will never be a full level of reality beyond your very own lived experiences.

Trying to then base your expectations, your future actions or desires on such inherently faulty and inaccurate depictions will set you up for failure. There will be odd noises, odd smells, odd situations, awkward encounters and incredible sadness and pain (not the good kind). But there will also be love, trust, companionship and delicious pleasure. You will rarely find a piece of media that will go into all the intricacies of consent when showing you a clearly non consensual scene. Why? Because it's cumbersome and complex. It's hard to fully and comprehensively address especially since there are so many nuances not just between individuals but between good, bad and even average days for the very same individuals.

Understanding that kink is about the human connection is paramount. Kink is about trust and about letting go and falling into each other with hope and trust. Kink is about being vulnerable and protected at the same time. Kink is about real connections.

Yes, there are plenty of kinksters who enjoy fleeting and even entirely anonymous connections where there will be very little in terms of building a basis of trust or establishing a connection as I have just outlined it. However even in such encounters there is an inherent expectation of the trust that is being given not to be violated and that such violations will stop when one side withdraws their consent.

Kink is about trust, no matter which way you turn it. Porn, sexual education, erotica, etc. are decidedly not. Most of this material is either for entertainment or simply commerce.

While you will find a lot of inspiration and likely discover a lot of your own kinks through such media, you must understand that there is a lot being left out for brevity, for marketability and other considerations. You will rarely (it does exist though) find porn where the matter of consent is addressed before a very hard scene is shown. But even if such consent considerations are depicted, how do you know those were not a result of coercion and material blackmail in some way or another? You simply cannot know and thus it is much safer to assume that: No, media designed to entertain, to be addictive, to get you to pay, to get you to keep watching, to get you to engage, to get you to subscribe, to get you to return is not also made to give you a good idea of what consensual, safe and sane kink is.

You will often see depictions of sexual acts that are very, very dangerous and cannot ever be performed safely. I will talk about this specifically a little more later. Understanding that even a slap to the face can have lasting consequences for the person who is being slapped is vital to not make early mistakes when first engaging with kinks.

So, what do you do? For the dominants and the sadists out there: Try on yourself first and realize that even if you can stomach it, intense and continued communication with a partner is essential and not optional. It is never ever optional. Especially with a new partner be communicative. Stop here and there and check in outside the dynamic. Do not just push to try and impress. For the submissives and masochists: Try on yourself first and realize that you might be able to push limits with a partner but do not ignore your own internal warning signals (physical and mentally). Going beyond your clearly communicated limits or ignoring your safe words is never ever something you should allow to happen. If it does happen you need to regroup and remove yourself from the situation and person. Do not try and go beyond what you can and want to take to impress someone.

No one engaging in kink should believe that what they see in pornographic media, or the related spaces is a yard stick for how kink should be practiced or how it should look like. Especially adult actors and actresses often simply do not look like regular people. If your income depends on your looks, you will look "better" than others. A lot of the sexual acts performed in porn are inherently unsafe and are achieved via editing or extensive preparation or at worst: by simply ignoring the needs and safety of those involved in the making of such material. The porn industry is rife with abuse and exploitation. This goes for more "modern" formats like OnlyFans or Fansly as well. You cannot know whether or not the people performing on these platforms have a choice in the matter or not.

Understanding that such material - and again, I include my own writing in this point - is only reflective of a certain intention at the point of their creation is crucial to safely handling and incorporating such material in your own kinky journey. I am not looking to disparage sex work or those that engage in it. If I were young and hot, I'd likely try it myself. My point is purely that the audience is not taken into consideration as much more than a revenue stream, even with educational content. Why? Because I for example will likely never be able to meet all, most or even any of the people who read what I write. Therefore, I can only hope to be as considerate as possible to not be misleading or misrepresenting in what I speak about. Not only that, everything I talk about is based on my own unique perspective that might have nothing to do with your own.

I refer you to point 2. again. Whatever media you engage with when it comes to kinks or BDSM or even sex in general: reflect on it, make up your own mind and do not simply take it for reality. What you are being shown has no intention or even ability of showing you the truth (or a truth that is compatible with your reality).

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4. Experience vs. Inexperience.

Inexperienced partners are not always bad, experienced partners are not always good.

Now that we have discussed a lot of things you should consider when starting your journey with exploring kink, there will be a point where you inevitably wish to experience your kinks in person with a trusted partner for the first time. Finding such a partner can be especially difficult in kink and there is an extra layer to the consideration that might not matter so much in vanilla relationships: experience.

Young or new dominants often find themselves starved for the possibility to actually try their kinks with a real submissive, because these are more likely to prefer someone who already has experience. Young or new submissives will often find themselves navigating an onslaught of proposals from people insisting they have said experience but are likely using the inexperience of the young or new submissive to abuse them rather than actually teach and guide them.

I am not advocating for submissives to be guinea pigs to inexperienced dominants, nor am I suggesting all experienced dominants are just abusers in disguise. My point is in the title of this section: Inexperienced partners are not always bad, experienced partners are not always good.

For the young and new dominants: take the time to really get to know a potential submissive. Make a point of learning about their limits, their needs and communicate proactively. Make use of safety tools and familiarize yourself with all possible precaution you can (you might want to check out our sections on consent and trust & safety). Treat this as if you are studying for a test, because you literally are. A submissive might give you a chance, they are unlikely to give you another one. Trust is a precious good in kink and broken trust can rarely be mended (depending on severity, extent, how it's handled afterwards, etc.). It is likely you will fail in one way or another as you start your journey. Both sides need to be aware of this and agree that it's a danger that is accepted and will be handled with open and honest communication. I am not suggesting that submissives actually test an inexperienced dominant, but a inexperienced dominant will inevitably be under far more scrutiny than one that has already done these things plenty of times.

On a more positive note: the time and effort you put into your submissive should shape who you are for the rest of your life as a dominant. Because regardless of how many years of experience you will accumulate, every single submissive that gives you their trust should be treated like the very first one that gave you a chance. Simply put: Always make the greatest possible effort to fully understand and comprehend who your submissive is, what they need and what their limits are. Be kind, be gentle, ramp it up in direct communication with your submissive ("Is this okay?", "Was this too much?", "Do you need a break?", "Do you need to drink something?", "Do you need reassurance?"). Disconnect yourself from ideas you might have formed by consuming pornographic media. No matter if you're engaging with your first or hundredth submissive, these initial interactions should (almost) never look or feel like what you see in porn. Why almost? Hell, maybe you are breaking into porn, I don't know your life.

For the young and new submissives: an inexperienced partner is not destined to hurt or harm you. Kink is a two way street in which you have an equal voice and the kink journey is a fundamentally cooperative one. You're a team and you can grow together. That does not mean it is your job to teach every new dominant that comes your way, but you should also not dismiss every inexperienced dominant that might otherwise be a wonderful fit due to their lack of experience. However: your safety always comes first, do not interact or engage if you feel unsafe, just because you read it on some website. More on these types of "dominants" in point 9.

On the flip side: an experienced partner is not always good. Experience matters very little and can be actively harmful if you have done your thing wrong for decades. Just think of all the old people hating on vaccines (yeah, fuck off if you are offended at this point). Not only that, but just because something worked perfectly with one submissive, it does not mean it is directly transferable to another. There are certain things where experience absolutely comes in handy and I am surprised by now by what things seem to be fairly universal, but I would never just rely on my experience. For example: I have gotten pretty good at reading body language and gauging if something is too much or if a submissive still has reserves to take more/take it harder. However, especially with new submissives I will always verbally confirm and check in and let them make those choices. Even if I am right, I would rather be sure than be wrong one time.

The same goes for experienced submissives. Just because they know their limits with other people and have likely a good idea of what they like, the exact administration of a certain act will vary from dominant to dominant. The way one gives pain compared to the other might be different, a different nerve might be hit, etc. It's never quite as simple as "I have done this thousands of times, this cannot go tits up." The second you are dismissing being safe on the basis of being experienced you are making a mistake.

Either way: you might be very enticed by someone proffering lots of experience because you hope that your own experience with them will be much better than with an inexperienced partner and that might very well be the case. But there is also the added level of power imbalance where the experienced partner might use their (valid or not) experience to manipulate an inexperienced partner without them realizing under the guise of "this is how it's really done, trust me."

Always trust your gut. Always stick to your limits - especially with entirely new connections or when reviving previous ones. Safety is not optional in kink. Your limits are not optional. And yes, this will be repeated over and over in my texts, because it is simply that important to understand and truly absorb. There will be times where your own arousal and excitement will take over and you will want to push past your own limits. You might want to do these things in the moment and sometimes it will be alright to do that. Ideally you do not do that in the beginning but only after you have already built a good and solid relationship with whoever you are looking to engage or reengage with.

There is no need to rush to gain experience. Take it slow, you will get experience and it will be vastly better if you do not go too fast with it and take your time. Communication takes time. Building trust takes time. It will all be worth it, I promise you that.

I would like to take a moment to offer a simple question one can ask to get an idea of the perspective of a supposedly experienced partner on a very important aspect: understanding the matter of consent and power exchange. I will warn you: I have received a lot of criticism in the kink community whenever I have brought this up. Funnily enough it usually comes exactly from the people this is aimed at discovering. Simply ask the following:

"Who holds the ultimate power over the submissive in a d/s relationship?"

From experience I can tell you you're likely to encounter the following answers (or variations of them):

1. The dominant, of course!
2. It's a question of power exchange, it's a matter of negotiation!
3. The submissive, of course!

Do you know which of these answers is the correct one? If you guessed (or know it) to be 3. "The submissive, of course!" you are correct (if you strongly disagree, please send an eMail to fuckoff@kinkcurve.com). The question is phrased specifically to ask about who holds the ultimate power over the submissive. It does not ask about the dominant nor does it make any assumption about the nature of the connection. The submissive - with the ability to always withdraw consent when it comes to the submissive - always holds ultimate power over the submissive. Likewise - but not part of the question - the dominant may always withdraw consent when they are concerned as well.

Those that answer 2. "It's a question of power exchange, it's a matter of negotiation!" or some variation of that are usually offended by the question, because it is too reductive without realizing they have shown themselves to not be willing to pay attention to detail. You're more likely to encounter sensible people in this category, but it is certainly at least a minor red flag if their first impulse is to turn this question around, rephrase it or re-contextualize it rather than simply giving an answer and considering the submissive. It's easier to phrase it solely addressing consent where the submissive is concerned, because their consent is far more likely to be violated. Dominants who get upset with that and try to argue that consent goes for both sides and thus the question is horrible or whatever are also simply showing how much they care about themselves and how little they might care about a submissive's perspective.

Those that answer with 1. "The dominant, of course!" are most likely a lost cause. Either they are inexperienced - you may be able to work with that, if you're up for it - or they really do have no idea what power exchange means, how consent works or what kink should be all about.

This is of course not a complete or comprehensive test of any sort. It is however a very effective way to quickly get an idea of who you might be talking to. There is also a chance this gets very popular some day and thus the magic of the question might be gone, but for the moment my writing and perspective is so niche, I would say it's a fair and valid little question to ask when trying to figure out who you are dealing with (regardless of your own role, submissive or dominant.) A submissive who does not understand that they hold ultimate power over themselves are either unsafe to engage with because they might go beyond their own safe limits or need to learn more about the matter of consent.

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5. RACK and SSC.

This one will get some hackles raised. There are certain kinks that are never safe in practice. That does not mean they cannot be done and that they will absolutely always cause harm. However, it does mean that the chances for permanent, long term damage and even death as a consequence of such kinky interactions are extremely high and even the greatest measure of care in performing such acts cannot and will not make them safe. I will not be able to cover all potentially dangerous kinks. There are so many that I find it difficult to make a selection so I will focus on the ones that I have experience with or know about. There will be far more than what I cover but the main take away should always be: Inform yourself of the potential risks of engaging in your kinks when it comes to them causing harm. Some might even argue that no kinks can be practiced safely.

This is where acronyms like RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) come in. You will see me use SSC (Safe Sane Consensual) all throughout my writing because this is the baseline from which most kinksters should start. SSC sometimes falls flat on more extreme or dangerous kinks due to the Safe and Sane sections. If it cannot be done safely, is it even sane? Is it truly sane to cause harm and injury on purpose, even if it is safe?

Going with something like RACK instead will allow more experienced kinksters to still engage in far more dangerous kinky activities that may cause long term harm. For a beginner it is absolutely important to understand the risks, but it can be very difficult to gauge who and how it would be somewhat safe to do this, even if you understand all associated risks fully. Even in this section where I address it, I will not be able to provide you all the information required to truly understand the risk of the acts I am going to talk about because I am not a medical professional and cannot fully explain it to you. And no, I do not need to be a medical professional to make these assertions either. There is a good reason why certain acts in kink have been used as methods of literal torture and killing people for centuries. It's because they are dangerous and can lead to major harm and even death. I do not need to hold a doctorate to understand this and be firm this understanding.

When engaging in these kinds of kinks specifically absolutely do refer to the Trust & Safety section of this website. Be certain you know how to administer first aid (take a course and refreshers, it's good even outside of kink), be certain you know how to call for emergency services and be willing to explain exactly what happened. If you're too scared of any of these requirements, do not engage in risky kinks that hold the ability to cause long term harm or death. You're not ready (yet).

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6. Take it slow.

There's a lot of information on this page that might make it feel like engaging in kinks is just dangerous and you really shouldn't do it. That is not what I am advocating for, nor what your take away should be. Kink is very fun and engaging with a trusted partner is incredible. My point is: Take it slow. There is no rush for you to experience everything all at once. Especially if you are inexperienced, new to a certain kink or with a new partner just savor the act of exploration. Take your time and observe your own reactions and those of your partner.

The more time you give yourself in exploring, the safer you will be and the better your experiences will end up being. Have you ever had anything good that was also really rushed? I'd wager that rarely happens and if so, it's an exception to the rule more likely than not.

Take a breath. Consider your options and indulge with intention. Don't let yourself get swept away in a wave of desire and lust, no matter how strong your urges might be. Be mindful in your actions and the steps you take. You will have a vastly improved outcome and higher level of enjoyment.

As with most things it goes for kink as well that the more (good) experiences you have gathered, the easier it will all become. Negotiations will be easier, anxieties will lessen, and you will have a better overall outcome. Do not discount bad experiences as a valuable element of this journey either. Bad experiences are (sadly) sometimes the exact thing you need to realize what things are absolutely not for you. If you rush through those you might not even realize until you have had the bad experience multiple times. If you take things slow you are far more likely to notice your own dislike of something, because it is not so muddied up with all the good and fun things surrounding it.

Just take your time and enjoy this wonderful world of deep connections and intense pleasure.

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7. Sub-Frenzy.

Following my advice from point 6. to take it slow I would like to make you aware of a state of mind called "sub frenzy". This is generally referring to a submissive who loses themselves so much in their submission that they lose all inhibition and are simply willing to do everything, even beyond their own limits to please and serve their dominant. This is not limited to just inexperienced or new submisives, but it is more likely to occur in submissives who are at the very beginning of their journey.

If you have been hoping to explore and engage in your kinks for years and you finally get that chance, you might be willing to take on far more risks because you do not wish to disappoint your partner. Or you simply believe you should try it all, or maybe you are being convinced that this is entirely normal, and limits are not something you need, because your partner will take very good care of you.

Since I am not submissive and never have experienced sub-frenzy myself, I cannot speak to how to spot the beginning of it in yourself, nor how to handle it from the perspective of the submissive. I have however been on the other side of sub-frenzy and I can try to give my perspective on it from the dominant side and give some advice there.

For the dominants: It is your job to know and respect your submissives limits and take care of their needs. This might also sometimes overwrite their express wishes to continue, to do something harder and harder. This might sound like the beginning of a consent violation, but I assure you it is not. Firstly the dominant has their own limits and those must be respected by the submissive just as much as the other way around. Secondly every (good) dominant should have the limit of not crossing their submissives limits without clear consent being given.

Sub-Frenzy is a mind altered state just as it might be with substance play. The submissive experiences an intense emotional situation and is not fully capable of giving or withdrawing consent. If your submissive pushes you to go beyond their previously communicated limits without being able to (for a moment at least) step out of their sub-space anymore to have that kind of "out of dynamic" discussion on eye level as equals, you should not indulge them. They will forget and ignore their needs such as hydrating, eating, etc.

As a dominant it is your job to spot this and ease out of an engagement with a submissive like that being ready to provide a lot of after care, because the down after such a high can be emotionally draining and almost devastating.

There are other defintions of Sub-Frenzy and some of what I have described could easily be called sub-space as well. One other way of thinking of Sub-Frenzy is a submissive that is desperate to live out their submissive side and willing to engage with nearly anyone without performing proper vetting, safety checks or considering their own health. If you find yourself trying everything in your power to just find someone to scratch that sub-itch, you might be experiencing some version of sub-frenzy.

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8. Sub- and Dom-Drops.

I touched on this briefly in point 7. Sub- or Dom-Drop are referred to when you have an emotional downturn after being either submissive or dominant. I have found sub-drop to be the more widely discussed and situation, but both exist and are to be taken seriously.

When engaging in kinks you are doing and performing acts that are often physically, emotionally or psychologically harmful. In kink we very intentionally do things to and with people we trust that would simply be abuse under any other circumstances but safe, sane and consensual kink. There might be feelings of guilt, of fear and a loss of self-worth. "Why am I like this?", "Why do I like this, this is not normal?", "Why did I do this, don't I love them?". There is also a risk of triggering past trauma while practicing kink that can easily cause such a drop.

It is vitally important to understand that these moments can occur at any level of experience, age and for any role. What someone needs in these moments will vary from person to person but if you know about their general after care needs (and you should), that is where you should start. If you are experiencing such a drop or you are with a person who is, it is important to be empathetic. Drop the roles and become equal partners. This is the moment to just be human. Communicate, if possible, provide the essentials (food, water, comfort, reassurance) if not. Stay with your partner until the moment has passed or eased. Do not rush off to do another thing. You should always try and allow for dealing with the potential consequences of a kinky engagement if you have the ability to plan ahead like that.

Once the situation has passed allow yourself to reflect on it and discuss what happened. Sometimes it will be hard to really put it all into words and that is fine as well. It can feel very discouraging to be the partner who "caused" such a drop, but you might not have been the reason for the drop to occur. If you were, absolutely listen and learn from what your partner has to say. Do not dismiss their concerns and be sure to adjust how you interact in the future.

While these moments can be scary and difficult to navigate, they can be resolved and - if handled correctly - will strengthen your bond, increase your mutual trust and make subsequent engagements that much more gratifying.

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9. Dealing with Abusers and Predators.

I was not certain if I should put this under the Trust & Safety section or here. I ultimately decided to put it in the exploring your kinks part, because I feel it's practical advice for that part of your journey and more relevant than just an overall warning and advisory section.

This part sucks and I really dislike that I have to write it and even more so that you have to read and know about it. Let's start with the good side before I open yet another can of worms that might dampen your spirits.

A lot of people you will meet on your journey will be the kindest, smartest, most empathetic and wonderful people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. The amount of communication and self-reflection required to be able to fully and safely enjoy kink forms a person into something really good most of the time.

However, within kink there are many, many people that are absolutely horrible. This is of course true for everything and everywhere. You will always encounter horrendous human beings that barely deserve that categorization no matter where you go. The reason I want to point it out for kink specifically is that kink draws in these types of people due to the (very wrong) outside perception of kinky people being "easy" or "sluts", etc.

Especially submissives are often approached by people who wish to take advantage of them under the presumption that a simple "Kneel, you're mine now!" message will do the trick. Sadly, these idiots are the easiest to spot and weed out. The true problem are abusers and predators who are well established in their communities.

If you ask around on how to find a good and safe kinky partner, the suggestion is very often "Go to local munches! Do not date online!". The assumption here is that social groups will self-select and expel predators eventually. You cannot hide being an abuser in a local group forever, can you? That is sadly not true showcased by the very many high profile abusers and predators that keep hitting mainstream news. Don't think that this is a type of deviancy that only affects the rich and powerful. Predators and abusers that are being covered by their social circles (knowingly or unknowingly) exist at every level of society, including at local kink meets. If you ever end up encountering one yourself, be sure and report the person to the platform or organizer where you have met them.

This is not to say that everyone you will meet might just be a predator trying to get the better of you and eventually end up hurting you. But it is important that even the experiences of other people with a person you are considering to engage with are not indicative of how your experiences with that person will be. Someone with hundreds of friends and connections on fetlife is not inherently safer or better to engage with than someone with none (and vice versa).

You might be inclined to think that someone who is well established "in the community" must be a good potential partner and indeed there are people seeking out such individuals specifically. You might have a wonderful experience with that, or you might encounter some of the worst people who will gaslight you into thinking your bad experience with them was not real. Even worse, their social circle might just support them in that attempt to warp your own perception of reality.

Wonderful, yet another horrible pitfall with kink. Will it never end!? I would say that this is actually not exclusive to kink but a problem in dating overall, but that does not really help of course. The dating pool when seeking kinky connections is reduced even further than it usually is anyway and thus there is greater room for abusers to continue their abusive behaviour as new people come into the space.

While hard to generalize, I will give you a list of possible red flags to watch out for and to consider when dating within kink (or dating in general). This list is not exhaustive and must take your own reality and experiences into account.

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10. Handling rejections.

Dating in a kinky context is very difficult to say the least. First of all, it really reduces the possible dating pool even further than your basic sexual preferences and overall needs for a relationship will. Depending on your location it might not even be feasible to meet anyone, yet alone anyone that vibes with you that fits your specific set of kinks. And even when you find someone who checks off most of your boxes (no one can be everything for another person, never let perfection get in the way of something great but slightly imperfect), there is still a good chance they are not into you. Or even worse: things start and simply do not work out.

This is not exclusive to kink. Dating often means having to handle rejections. It does not matter where you meet, online, offline, via mail pidgeon or through friends and family, more likely than not you will not be with the first person you get involved with forever. I won't be able to cover all the possible ways of how one might be rejected, under which circumstances, how intense the connection was, etc., but I want to touch on the subject.

In my opinion rejections in kink might hurt far more than they do in vanilla connections because we do have to bare some very vulnerable sides of ourselves when building up the trust required to actually engage in kink. Even if a break up is fairly mutual and agreeable, it will still tear a very large hole into your emotional fabric for a good long while. Letting someone so close, even just as a play partner or friend with benefits will (I'd think for most people anyway) lead to a strong emotional connection if it isn't the basis for it to begin with.

First of all: Let me reassure you that you are not going to die alone and no one will ever love you again. You'll be fine. This will hurt and it will hurt for a while. Try and avoid rebounds both to protect yourself and not to abuse someone else for your emotional needs. My best advice (both to myself and others) has been to just feel all the feelings. Don't try and avoid them. Be sad, be mad, be angry, be melancholic, be desperate and lonely. The more you allow yourself to have these feelings the faster they will start fading and no longer sting as much. Eventually thinking of a previous partner will simply be a (hopefully pleasant) memory and not much more. You can get through it. Feeling incomplete and like something great is missing really, really sucks. It is not the end of your journey. You will be able to find another person to fill that void and most likely, thanks to your new experiences, it will be an even better fit for both sides.

The worst will likely be a break up with your very first kinky partner. Even if you have had relationships before, getting to experience your kinks in all their glory for the first time and tasting that sweet nectar of the gods will make this relationship so much more impactful. You can and will get over this as well. This is not the end of your journey. Your approach might be entirely different from mine though. Maybe you need to go hike for a few days alone in the wilderness. Maybe you need to go on lots of fun outings with your friends. Maybe you just need to binge watch your favorite show or goblin-mode for a few weeks. Whatever it is, it will be temporary, and you will have to go forward anyway. Might as well let go of the person you need to let go of as you journey onwards.

Secondly: Keep in mind a rejection might have something to do with what you were doing, but more often than not is a matter of incompatibility rather than a full on rejection of you as a person. Be honest with yourself when looking back at your relationship and accept the responsibility for any mistakes you might have made and do better in the future. If you ex does not give you any reasons you understand, assume it was not about you but still try and find areas you could improve on in the future. You do not need your ex-partner to validate your continued journey of self-improvement by pointing out exactly what lead to the end of your relationship. You are not owed, nor do you owe, anyone closure. This might sound harsh but no matter if it is you that has to end a relationship or if you are the one that was broken up with, "this is the end, I am sorry" is entirely valid.

Conversely if you have to be the one to end things and reject someone be firm but kind. I have one very unpopular opinion here for certain groups of people: Ghosting can be okay if you fear for your safety in the wake of a break up. Your safety always comes first. Ideally you approach the topic openly and pull the Band-Aid off. Do not string people along or make them feel worse than it will already feel. Do not forget about yourself either. Even when you wish to end things, you are also losing an important part of your own life going forward. Take the time to properly deal with this, too.

This can and will eat you up, but lashing out at an ex-partner over a rejection is the wrong way no matter which way you turn it. Again, I cannot possibly cover all possible circumstances and ways that people will end a relationship. There are vile and horrendously cruel people who will try and make your life hell for no reason but their own selfish desires. My hope is that you will not have to deal with such, and I doubt I would be a good person to get advice from for this.

Once you have reached a point where you are no longer pining over an ex-partner you can try and get back into dating. Both offline and online approaches are valid. While often discouraged in kink, I have found all my successful kink relationships online - mostly while not actively looking for any, just enjoying my hobbies (which tend to be online) and being open to getting to know new people. If you're more of an "in person" kind of person, then go do that. The advice sounds washed up and silly, but if you just do what makes you happy you will be very appealing to others. It's thus far more likely to find someone who is willing to give it a shot with you than if you try and win the modern rat race beauty contest that is swiping through 5 million of the exact same instagram picture perfect faces who "love to travel".

I have been rejected far more times than I have had success in dating (hell, I have been pre-emptively rejected by people I never even intended to approach) but the fun part about dating is (at least if you're monogamous) you only really need to succeed once to be very successful with it. What does it matter that you have encountered a great variety of people you felt were interesting enough to approach when you finally find that one person who thinks the same about you? Anyone who does not wish to give it a shot with you does not matter once that situation is done. You will never know unless you try, and I likely would be single or would have been single most of my life if I had not continually put myself out there and signalled my interest in people. You might be surprised by who would like seeing where things can go with you. I do not advocate you trying to hit on every person ever, but if you do not try your luck with anyone, it is unlikely you will ever have much success at all.

Take chances and be open minded. You'll never know who might be just around the corner. Get busy with any community and chances are you might find your next person there or through it.

I believe in you. You got this. You will be fine.

I know there was very little kink specific advice in this section, but I cannot just leave this part out.

One last piece of advice I have in handling rejections is to start with expectation management on both sides. What do you want out of a new connection and is that even realistic? If you do not want any strings attached, are you sure no emotional connection will form from your end? What will you do if either side does not keep the expectations that were set from the onset? If one side is looking for something long term and the other is not, should you even get involved to begin with? Knowing what either side wants and hopes to get out of an engagement, the easier it will be to disentangle before things get too complicated or to make an informed choice on whether or not to even start. Expectations and hopes might change as a relationship progresses, so this would be an ongoing topic. Certainly, check-in after a first meeting where to take it next, even what kind of frequency of contact would be desired? Lots of texts or maybe a little distance? Better know and know what might be coming your way than agonize over "what if" or wondering if you did something wrong.

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