Age Gaps

While not a strictly a kink related matter, age gaps and age play are also found within the BDSM community. Age gap relationships are such relationships where there is a significant age gap between two (consenting) partners. There is no common definition of what constitutes an age gap. Some people see it already at 2 or 3 years difference, some see it only at 5 years or above. Something that is fairly commonly accepted is that the age gap matters more, the younger one partner is. People seldom take issue with a 41 year old dating a 58 year old, but there are additional considerations when it's a 38 year old is dating a 21 year old. Note that even the way such constellations are phrased are an indicator of a possible shift or intentional framing of age gaps. If I write "a 21 year old dating a 38 year old", that implies a different level of consent and acceptability than "a 38 year old dating a 21 year old", where the pursuing party suddenly is the older side. It becomes even more interesting if we add more details: "a 21F dating a 38M" vs. "a 21M dating a 38F". Did you feel a difference in reacting to the same age gap but with different genders in either position? This will likely have caused different reactions in any reader. However you reacted to either version of expressing it, keep that in mind and reflect on it once you're through reading the entire page.

You can already tell by the disclaimers above and my little thought/phrasing experiment, there are many preconceived notions, prejudices and some limits that build the baseline assumptions in these following considerations.

Here's a line in the sand I am not willing to discuss or water down in any way: Age gap relationships should never start (either begin or be built towards) when either partner is not of legal age or has reached the point of adulthood (generally 18+). I will not dive into below legal age relationship dynamics. If you are 18 or older, do not seek to form relationships with someone younger than 18 or below the legal age limit if you are exactly 18 years old.

With that out of the way, let's start our exploration of this very complex and often emotionally charged issue. I have opted to break the topic down into the following parts:

1. Age gap relationships should be avoided.
2. The dangers of grooming.
3. Individual age gap relationships in the broader context of society.
4. Are good and safe age gap relationships possible?
5. Points to reflect on before entering an age gap relationship.

1. Age gap relationships should be avoided.

Outside specific communities that form around the idea of age gap relationships, age gap relationships are generally seen as something bad, abusive and thus, something to be avoided. I agree. Age gap relationships should not be actively sought out as a base requirement to considering starting a relationship. If you are only considering dating someone with a considerable age gap, I urge you to reconsider. There are often good reasons to why someone might prefer age gapped relationships and it sometimes has to do with bad experiences in equal age relationships and better experiences with age gapped connections.

The possible issues within age gapped relationships are not unique to those kinds of relationships. Economic imbalances, imbalances of power, experience, etc. can all happen within more age aligned relationships as well and pose a major risk to such relationships unless handled properly. Age gapped relationships do bring some points that are specific to them concerning the possible motivations of those who seek them, making them inherently more dangerous on top of nearly always bundling all potential imbalances into one problematic package.

Something fairly unique to age gapped relationships as a bad motivator is the question of societal values in relation to standards of desirability, fertility and beauty which are broadly still linked to youth, especially in women. In this regard, young people are considered "prizes" (think of "trophy wives"), something to be paraded around and shown off as a sign of affluence and reproductive success in societies that deem younger partners as something only a select few will "manage to attain". I say it's fairly unique, because in various cultural groups having a partner of a certain skin tone, height, and other superficial factors is also seen as an achievement and something rare and exciting, but the issue with age gaps persists across regions, cultures and even time. Of course, there is also the flipside where younger partners might see values in older partners that only they can provide, where having such a partner is also found to be a desireable accomplishment.

Anyone who sees an age gapped relationship as an accomplishment is not safe to engage in such a relationship with.

While I won't discuss the matter of love much, let me be clear: Love alone is also not good enough to enter into an age gap relationship. Love is a complex emotion that is actually detrimental in the consideration phase of wanting to enter an age gapped relationship or not, because it makes us more willing to overlook red flags and to disregard outside counsel on such matters. The heart might want what it wants, but the heart is inherently stupid, as anyone who has experienced heart break can attest.

You should also absolutely not engage with anyone who is both older and in a position of power, such as your boss, a tutor, a mentor at work, a teacher, a professor at university, influencers, stars - anyone who holds immediate or possible power over how your life develops cannot be safely engaged with. This does not only apply to age gapped relationships, but age gapped relationships are more likely to begin or be sought to begin in such constellations. 100% absolutely do not enter such connections because your free consent cannot be ensured, due to the pressure of their position on your life.

The only way age gapped relationships can be engaged in safely is with a lot of transparent communication and mutual reflection on the topic itself outside of any kink (or otherwise) dynamic. Here is where it will break apart for a majority of possible connections, especially if the age gap itself is fetishized. If either side really wishes to enter into such a constellation and does not consider the very many red flags around it, they are much more willing to enter potentially abusive and unhealthy dynamics to fulfill that one overriding wish to be with an older or younger partner. Even the act of discussing all these potential issues is already rife with pitfalls that can lead to abusive dynamics being established.

Let me repeat this part, because it is really important: If an age gap itself is a driving factor in who you date, you are significantly more likely to end up in unhealthy and possibly abusive dynamics which you will only realize years later. There are a great many people of all genders who will be able to attest to that and often bring their own negative experiences to the table as a stark warning. Do not ignore these warnings. Do not think you're so much smarter and better equipped than these people who have suffered in age gapped relationships, especially if you're the younger part but equally if you're the older side of it.

Trying to get an age gapped relationship to work without drifting into abuse requires a lot of effort and starts on the backfoot of a myriad of areas which you do not have to deal with in relationships without or with only a small age gap (less than 5 years). There is a valid question of if it is even possible at all and anyone who says they cannot ever be practiced safely does have a point and should not be dismissed out of hand.

A lot of very sensible people will say "No" and I tend to agree. We will go a bit deeper on the issue, but the starting line is: Age gap relationships should be avoided if not categorically excluded as a possibility.

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2. The dangers of grooming.

Grooming is a complex issue within a complex issue. I will keep this section short, because it mainly concerns itself with people below the age of 18, but I want to address it, because it is not an exclusive issue for those below 18. You might encounter someone grooming you in your work place, university or similar spaces. Grooming is a process and won't just happen suddenly. This makes it much harder to spot, because there will be many little signs of it, rather than one big instances that will make it very apparent for anyone trying to spot it.

Here's how to spot grooming:

• Gaining Trust: Groomers often act as friendly, supportive figures, sometimes posing as a mentor, friend, or even a romantic partner.
• Giving Gifts or Money: They may offer presents, money, or other favours to create a sense of obligation.
• Isolating You from Others & Secrecy: Groomers may encourage you to keep secrets from family and friends or discourage you from talking to trusted adults.
• Introducing Sexual Content: They might start by making inappropriate jokes, sending explicit images, or asking for personal photos.
• Testing Boundaries: They may gradually push limits to see how much they can get away with, such as asking you to do small favours before escalating to more serious requests.
• Threats or Blackmail: Some groomers use fear tactics, such as threatening to reveal private information or embarrassing photos if you don’t comply with their demands.

Grooming can basically happen anywhere. From families to social media to work, clubs, religious groups, gaming, school and universities. People in positions of power use the very same tactics to groom younger people of any age into forming relationships with them.

Age gap relationships are not always or inherently the result of grooming, but the chance that they are is much higher than with relationships that have less of an age gap or start later in life with a larger age gap. Even if you are in an unprolematic age gap relationship, the optics in regards to how and where they began will often remain dubious to outsiders and can cause a strain on such connections in the long run.

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3. Individual age gap relationships in the broader context of society.

While there are healthy and unproblematic age gap relationships that can work, all that we have discussed so far shines a stark light on how rare such connections are likely to be. With the pressures of a society that values health, beauty and youth above most other factors in a persons life, the chance that age gap relationships are being sought out with bad intentions are incredibly high. Youth is not an accomplishment, it's a phase within a persons life. The issue with phases is that they tend to end. Everyone ages and if youth was or is the driving factor in a relationship, then there is a chance that the younger partner will eventually be replaced for an even younger partner.

And even if you are engaged in one of those age gap relationships that is not bad based on the many things we've looked at, this is not apparent to an outside observer. Every existing age gap relationship that is visually apparent perpetuates the same bad assumptions that are to be avoided. Friends or Co-Workers might congratulate you on having a younger partner or scold you for having engaged with an older partner. Within the broader context of society, even a healthy age gap relationship is part of promoting the normalization of age gap relationships overall, both bad and good ones.

This is mostly unavoidable and while you may not care much what others think about your choices, any age gap relationship might contribute to embolden those who will be abusive within such relationships.

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4. Are good and safe age gap relationships possible?

The simple answer is: Yes. Both because an age gap relationship starting later in life but in similar stages of life greatly reduce the impact of the problems introduced with age gap relationships and because some people manage to navigate the many pitfalls of age gap relationships sensibly. However, I would still not advise or advocate for entering age gap relationships, especially with larger gaps where the younger partner is in their early 20s or even below.

There is one larger issue with cautioning against age gap relationships and that is the matter of generalizations. Grouping people by age and determining an arbitrary cut-off or working with formulas to determine how much younger or older a possible partner may be takes away from the reality, ability and personhood of the people involved. The very same mechanics such as patriarchical structures that fetishize young people, also infantilize them and actively seek to take away their rights of self determination and personhood. This is especially the case for young women who are often put down both due to their gender and their age, not taken seriously or outright ignored, talked over and ridiculed for having opinions. Someone in their early 20s can hold far more sensible and nuanced opinions than someone in their 60s and vice versa. While grouping by age is convenient (as are all generalizations) it is problematic in itself.

If you determine a "cut-off" age for you below which you do not date, that is prefectly fine, but it should not be seen as the only right choice to make. My personal suggestion is to ensure certain "milestones" are met for both partners such as:

• Having lived or living on their own (or with room mates, but no longer at their parental home).
• Knowing how to do their own laundry.
• Knowing how to cook, clean and maintain a home on their own.
• Having had or having a job to ensure their own financial survival and knowing how to handle their finances (ideally being debt free beyond common debts such as student debt, mortages, etc.).
• Having had or having (if poly) other relationships and sex with someone else before.
• Having experienced and navigated a break-up.
• Having finished school.
• Having a goal for their future independent of any current, past or future partners.
• There would be a point about having children here, but since I am childfree myself, I don't really know what advice should be given in this regard, therefore the topic is omitted.

The above milestones are not an exhaustive list, but certainly are good indicators of having entered into adulthood beyond just having reached an age that legally defines adulthood. Some people might reach these points earlier than others. You might wish to add additional milestones to this list or have different views on what adulthood even means depending on your culture, area, socio-economic background, etc.. Basically anything you'd consider relevant to being a "proper adult" should already have been achieved before you enter into an age gapped relationship. This goes for both sides and both sides should have a very similar, if not identical view of these milestones. Additionally, a younger partner should not be made to carry the mental, emotional, sexual, financial and physical loads of an older partner and vice versa. The relationship must be as equitable as humanly possible to have any chance of surviving the issues introduced with an age gap.

• The age gap is acknowledged as a problem and repeatedly discussed: The matter of age gaps being an issue should not be handwaved away with sentences like "Age is just a number". It absolutely is not just a number. Someone who is in their thirties has had nearly two decades of experience in navigating adult life. Someone who just turned 20 does not. Addressing the imbalance and experience gap and how to handle it should be at the front and center of building a solid relationships. This goes for any age gapped connection. This should not be a one time thing, but an ongoing conversation that is picked up again and again to ensure initial perspectives have not shifted over time.
• Imbalances are actively identified and addressed: This could be general advice, but it applies in age gap relationships more than in others. Any possible imbalances need to be identified and discussed. Often there will be an economic imbalance, always there will be a gap in experience (simply due to the factor of time, though some young people have lived a much more dense level of life experience in a short time) and most often there will be an imbalance of expectations. Where should this relationship even lead? How will it look like later in life, when another change of phases occurs (i. e. the younger partner is entering the work force, the older partner ages out of it, etc.)?
• Does the age gap constitute a driving factor? Is the fact that one partner is younger or older a driving factor of seeking this relationship? There is a good chance that the side that feels this way, will lie about this point. This might not be possible to just be discussed but must be observed. Is the age of the partner brought up repeatedly? Does it feel like it's a point of pride? Is the age compared to other couples? There are many indicators on how to spot this kind of thought. If the age gap itself does not matter, that is a good sign.
• Is the age gap sexualized or fetishized? A very similar question to the age gap being a driving factor, but slightly different. There are many kinks that engage with age play and are not inherently a sign of abuse. Having an actual age gap to accompany such play is often especially exciting for those that engage in it. The question is however, if the age gap is a requirement here and is it repeatedly brought into focus? This should not be the case, just as any other superficial factor should not perpetually brought into focus.
• Are both partners economically independent? This is, again, not purely an age gap issue, but is more likely to occur: If both partners are economically independent, this would be the ideal situation, to avoid any pressure arising from being reliant on one partner for housing, food, etc.
• Are both partners in similar life stages? Even with larger age gaps (especially later in life) it is entirely possible to be in similar or the same life stages: Studying, Working, Retirement. Of course even people in same age relationships might encounter a mismatch here, where one side opted to learn a trade and is a full time worker earlier than one that is pursuing a degree in some field. This could mean an economic imbalance for years even outside of age gaps. Either way, it needs to be adressed. The closer both parties are to be in the same life stage, the lower the chance of an age gap related imbalance will be.

The above list boils down to the very same concept that comes into play in kink with the more dangerous sections of kink: RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Are the risks of age gap relationships visible and discussed within the age gap relationship and are both partners consensually entering in such a relationship with said awareness? I have said before that age gap relationships should not be sought as a part of kink, but the principles of RACK apply here as well. One could rebrand the term to RACAG which does not roll off the tongue quite as nicely (nor does it reference an instrument of kinky play) but fits the bill.

The problem of the question of consent in this particular pairing of partners with different positions in life and amounts of life experience is heightened due to the many additional factors that might drive the desire or will to enter an age gapped relationship. Can someone substantially younger truly and with full awareness consent to being in such a relationship? And is it even possible for both partners to be actually aware of all the risks that make an age gap relationship risky?

It is impossible to generalize and say that no one under a certain age is capable of making good life long choices. In fact society expects young people to make life long choices exactly when they enter adulthood. What education or career to pursue? Where to live? How to afford life? Taking on debt to achieve your goals? A relationship in contrast to such choices, while impactful and possibly detrimental, can be temporary and exited, should it become clear that the risks or negative aspects start outweighing the positive elements. This is not exclusive to age gap relationships either.

Taking away the choices and pretending that young people cannot possibly know what is good for them both now and long term, is an act of infantilization. If you look back at the choices you have made in your life with regret, that is of course understandable. We will all make choices that we end up regretting to some degree. But they are our choices and having those choices taken away and dictated by others is also depriving people of valuable life experiences.

Age gap relationships are risky and dangerous because the concentrate and package so many things that can go wrong in any relationship, that the likelihood of things going wrong increases greatly. I believe it is possible to counteract these problems with good, honest, transparent, ongoing and open communication regarding all these issues. This means a lot of emotional work and a lot of self reflection and honesty. If you are entering an age gap relationship with a predetermined answer of "Yes, this is not a problem at all!", you likely should not be in such a relationship.

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5. Points to reflect on before entering an age gap relationship.

This section is mainly to reiterate and tie together some strands and topics introduced before. Before entering an age gapped relationship, the topic needs to be clearly discussed beyond "are you good with age gaps?" or "age is just a number" and most certainly beyond purely being attracted to one another. Here is a summary of what you should consider before considering an age gap relationship. Some of these points lean more towards the older part, some more towards the younger part.

Let's start with the factors any of which should stop you from entering into an age gap relationship outright:

• Does an age gap play a role as a driving factor to why you are seeking a connection? If yes, do not engage.
• Do you see youth as a desireable trait or even accomplishment? If yes, do not engage.
• Have both partners fully transitioned into adulthood and did the conection start with this baseline and not before? If not, do not enage.
• Are both partners independent (emotionally, economically, physically, etc.) of each other without the relationship? If not, do not engage.
• Did the connection start within a setup where either, but mainly the older side was or is in a position of power or authority over the younger part? If yes, do not engage.
• Will you have or want to keep this relationship a secret amongst friends and/or family? If yes, do not engage.
• Are you looking to have children with a much younger partner? If yes, do not engage.
• Is the older side worried about the capability of the younger side to make a truly informed choice to engage? If yes, do not engage.
• Do you intend to direct, decide or otherwise actively influence major life choices for the younger partner? If yes, do not engage.

Do not take the above points lightly. Any of them is a strong indicator that the relationship is sought for the wrong reasons and it is better to err on the side of caution. Follwing are some important considerations to take into account when entering an age gap relationship. These (as well as the points above) should be clearly communicated and reflected upon regularily in the relationship. If you are entering these reflections with a pre-defined answer, you're just looking to have your own bias confirmed and you're not doing it right. You must allow the answer to be the painful option of "no, this is not/no longer right", when discussing these topics with a potential or established partner in an age gap (or any) relationship:

• What imbalances exist in this connection in addition to the experience gap inherent in age gap relationships?
• Is there a sense of pressure derived from any of the possible imbalances?
• Are both sides aware of the social implications and problems that accompany age gap relationships?
• Do both partners have life goals that are not related to the partner?
• How is the relationship supposed to look like in 10, 20, etc. years and how will a change in life stages be handled?
• What about having children, how would such an age gap impact them in terms of participation of the older partner and possible social impact for the children and a potential earlier loss of one parent?
• Can either side leave the relationship at any point without economically or legally impacting the other partner to a point of ruination?
• Is either side beholden to the other due to age related factors such as providing economic stability or care without which the partner reliant on these factors would be in a worse position if the relationship ended?
• Is there a sense of pride in being with the other due to their age specifically?

There is a certain expectation that the older partner should evaluate if a potential younger partner is already capable of navigating risks related to age gap (and any type of) relationships. There are likely as many answers to that particular question as there are people. Some people never reach a level of self-awareness and -reflection that would make them good partners under most circumstances. It is however far more important in age gap relationships to ensure the safety and well being of both sides, but particularily the younger side as they are at a disadvantage purely by having less life experience.

At this point, I would like you to reconsider the initial phrasing of how I presented some examples of age gap relationships. Read them again and see if your reaction to them has changed in any way: "a 41 year old dating a 58 year old", "a 38 year old dating a 21 year old", "a 21F dating a 38M", "a 21M dating a 38F". Do you consider these constellations in a different light now having read my thoughts on the topic? To be quite frank, I am not sure if my own initial reaction to certain setups changes even with a more nuanced view of age gaps. Whatever your reaction is or was, it likely speaks to some of the biases we all hold and it is likely worthwhile for each of us to explore why some of these constellations seem more acceptable to us than others, even after having a closer look at the topic at large.

Even with all these considerations and having / having had age gap relationships myself, my base advice without knowing anything about either party will be: Do not seek to engage in age gap relationships. The amount of work required to make them safe is incredibly high and unlikely to be done to a satisfactory degree in a lot of cases. This is of course true for any realtionship, but even more so in the case of age gapped connections.

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