Consent
We all have an inherent understanding of the word "consent" and often agree to or consent to rules given to us in contracts, events or other engagements. But what about consent more specifically in the realm of kink? To understand consent, it is important to identify how consent even works and being aware of the many pitfalls surrounding consent. Here are the basic requirements for consent in kink I have pieced together through my life:
Consent...
- ... must be discussed and transparent.
- ... must be free, clear, enthusiastic & conscious.
- ... is always revocable.
- ... must be actively reaffirmed regularly.
- ... may not be transferred, relayed or assumed.
- ... must be possible within legal boundaries.
- ... violations must be thoroughly reflected, addressed & have consequences.
Let's look at each of these points a bit more closely.
1. Discussing Consent.
Everyone has their own, unique perspective on the world and concepts within it. This goes for everything discussed on this site as well and maybe especially consent. Depending on your upbringing, your social circles, culture and a huge variety of other factors consent can and sometimes will mean something entirely different to you than it does to your (possible) partner/s. It is therefore the very first and most important rule (not just with consent) within kink to discuss this openly, honestly and transparently with anyone you look to engage with in kink.
The discussion on the topic of consent does not start with engaging with a potential partner. It starts with you. You must discuss the matter of consent with yourself first. While reading the list I have written, did you wonder about any of these points? Did you feel that some of them are wrong or that it isn't how consent works?
Ask yourself first and foremost: What does consent mean to me? Where does it start, where does it stop? How do I usually communicate giving consent or withdrawing it? Is it through words, gestures or even just a particular look? Could it be signalled with certain items? It is possible that you might not even know yourself how consent does and has worked in your life. Children of overbearing parents might see consent as something that is not optional, something that is assumed and required, because your attempts to withdraw consent have been met with resistance, emotional and/or physical abuse. Do you have a healthy relationship to consent? Do you allow yourself to say no and stick to it?
The line between kink and abuse is consent. You must understand your own perspective on consent first and then the perspectives of any respective partners. This must occur with every new partner and regularly reassessed.
It must also be completely clear and transparent what is being consented to. There should be no hidden agendas, no trick questions and no "Oh you'll see"'s. If you do not know what you are consenting to, you cannot freely consent to it. Transparency is the only way through here. What do you want your partners consent for, what do they have to expect or what would you like to consent to?
2. Consent must be free, clear, enthusiastic & conscious.
This is one of the points I think must be the base understanding of consent for the word to hold any meaning at all. Consent cannot be consent if it was given under pressure or duress. In fact, legal frame works like the European General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) makes it clear that consent is a very delicate legal basis for the processing of personal data due to the high bar of ensuring that consent was actually given freely. Can an employee truly give consent to an employer? The employee might face repercussions or fear for their livelihood if they do not give consent. Is it truly freely given?
The same goes for kink relationships. Often, especially in dominant/submissive constellations there is a desired power imbalance within the kink. One side gets the say over the other. However, that say is first voluntarily given and power willingly surrendered by the submissive to the dominant. If not, we are no longer speaking of consent. While there are many kinks that involve a measure of "non consent" such as blackmail, or even rapeplay kinks these fall into the category of "CNC" meaning "Consensual Non Consent". Even with these more extreme kinks, consent comes first and must be negotiated and given. The power imbalance may only ever start once consent has been discussed and mutually understood. If there is any undesired pressure or coercion, consent cannot be given freely.
This makes certain constellations immediately more difficult to navigate than others, such as when one side holds more economic power than the other (for example a stay at home parent with a partner who earns for both of them and thus the stay at home partner is financially reliant on the other), or there was/is a guardianship relationship (such as a university professor engaging with a student - a common kink, but certainly difficult where that professor holds power over the academic career of a student).
As always: Start with yourself first. Can you give your consent freely? Are there no factors that would pressure or push you into a direction you might not willingly go, were those factors not an issue? Are you possibly the one having these factors on your side and is your potential partner giving up more than they would if you did not hold these factors? These need not only be economic factors but can be emotional just as well. Are you your partners first love? Do you have vastly more experience or a lot less?
I strongly suggest you discuss all of this openly with your (potential) partner/s - no hold barred. These foundational exchanges are not the time and place to be coy or shy. If you want it, you should be able to talk about it. Otherwise, work on yourself first to get to a point where you are confident enough to do so. This is not meant to demean you if you're not quite ready yet. It's fine to take your time.
Once both sides can be sure consent means the same to both and can be given freely from both sides, it needs to be given clearly. If you are starting out - and even if you have plenty of experience - this should be done on a case by case basis and not a blanket level of consent for all kinks. You never know what might come up in the future, how people might act under stress or other external factors that then could lead to an abuse of consent that was given freely in the past. Discuss your kinks and the limits, including if you are unsure of the limits and how to best approach testing those. When in doubt: start slow and with small steps, especially with dangerous kinks such as breath play.
Discuss what signals you give to clearly show consent and what signals you give to withdraw it. This is often done using safe words and gestures to withdraw consent or by wearing a certain collar to show consent. Discuss exactly what these mean, what is expected when they are used and what the consequences are if something goes wrong. Is a violation of your consent, even on accident something that will end the connection for good? Will you want to review and reassess if something happens that did not go as planned or agreed upon? The clearer you are up front, the better it will be. Ideally, things simply go well. However, being prepared is best before such a situation arises where you should have been prepared.
Another element of good and clear consent is enthusiasm. Most of us prefer our partners being happy about what we do together and that they also show this. This also helps to differentiate consent that might be given under dubious circumstances but still clearly and apparently freely from actual good and reliable consent where the joy of participation is apparent. Of course with how daily lives and routines sometimes gobble up all our energies, enthusiasm might look different under certain circumstances as well. There is also a bit of a diminishing return on repeated engagement on things that are certainly enjoyed and well liked and the excitement of getting to experience something for the very first time. Enthusiasm does not need to be jumping with joy to still be enthusiastic. It simply should not leave any doubt on if what is happening is really wanted by both sides in the moment. Even if a partner consensually engages in an activitiy they currently don't quite feel like due to stress or other circumstances, they might be giving only a limited form of consent. It is best to discuss and regularily review how both sides should act when there is doubt about the enthusiasm where consent comes into play and what enthusiasm currently looks like. While you might begrudingly agree to go visit a museum together, while you'd much rather stay in and rest, you really should not give half-hearted and unenthusiastic consent in kink and BDSM.
Consent can also only be given consciously. This means that all these discussions and agreements should be held while you are mentally able to engage with them. Do not take drugs or medication or engage with anyone who has taken drugs or medication before or while discussing these topics. All of this should happen "outside of the dynamic" (meaning as equal partners, even in a dominant/submissive constellation) and with everyone having full grasp of their mental abilities. This also means it is best not to discuss this when emotionally distressed, very tired or otherwise exhausted or even ill or sick. Be sure to discuss these things in a good mood and well hydrated, maybe over a cup of tea!
For the somnophiles among you: Yes, it is fine to give consent upfront in the proper framework as I have outlined it above. Don't worry, you are perfectly fine and allowed to enjoy your kink as well - as long as it is consensual.
3. Consent is always revocable.
Whoever gives consent must be able to revoke it at any time and that revocation must be respected at any time. This must be immediate and does not allow room for negotiation or discussion. If you agreed on degrees of safe words or gestures, then act within the definitions of what you have agreed on. For example the "traffic light" system that is very commonly used as a safe word group has "yellow" to not fully end an interaction but to possibly slow it down first, reassess, see what is going on where the "red" would mean an immediate and full stop to everything in most cases. This of course varies by person and must be discussed clearly in what safe words or gestures mean.
Do not over engineer this and keep it simple for the sole reason that it can be very hard to make use of safe words or gestures on a mental and emotional level. Fears of disappointing a partner, being a failure in your current kink role or losing someone over such a request are real and often lead inexperienced kinksters to ignore their own needs and "push through" a situation, rather than withdrawing consent. This will then have very negative consequences and damage any connection long term.
It might even be sensible to practice using safe words and ensuring both sides know how to look for them, recognize them and then act accordingly. Personally, I strongly suggest adding "Confirmation Phrases" to the mix. These are a more pro-active way of reaffirming consent and your partners wellbeing regardless of your role or the situation. This helps to keep the reliance on one side to actually use their safe words/gestures low and gives both sides a way to check in without entirely breaking the scene. That could be asking "Sour?" and awaiting an appropriate reply such as "Sweet" if all is fine and then going on or stopping if there is a negative reply such as "Sour.". I have found this especially helpful when testing limits or engaging with entirely new partners where it's important to find limits in a gentle way, especially if those partners themselves are inexperienced.
The act of asking makes your partner introspect and they might realize that they are not actually fine with something, which might not have happened, had you not asked. Both dominants and submissives can do this.
Whichever way you put it: A revocation of consent is final and should go into the consequences you have discussed prior. Do you switch to after care? Do you get food/water? Are restraints removed and the scene ended? You don't need to decide all that up front. You can simply use a "stop" signal to stop and communicate what is happening, how you can help, etc. If you know you are prone to panic attacks or other conditions that make it hard for you to articulate your needs in a moment, ideally provide your partner with the information they need to do the right thing for you until you are good again.
If the revocation or withdrawal of consent is not respected, you should know for yourself what that means for this particular relationship. Does it end the relationship or trigger a longer discussion on what is going on? There is always a chance that a safe word was not understood, a safe gesture misinterpreted, etc. - do you give the benefit of the doubt? Is this a pattern or truly an accident? I do not believe that every failure needs to lead to break. Relationships are as complex as the people that have them and nobody is always at their best. It often matters more how mistakes are handled than if they happen at all. But you should consider and know about your own red lines and how to handle a situation where those are crossed. Ideally, this never happens. But again, better be prepared in case it does.
4. Reaffirming consent often.
Things change. People change. Needs, likes and dislikes change. Just because your partner gave you consent for something months ago - or indeed you gave them the same - does not mean that is still valid today. There are many reasons why consent might change. Maybe your partner is sick, stressed or simply does not care to practice a certain kink at that point in time: it is always best to check in and make sure consent is still given.
In a relationship with a lot of contact and good open communication, this might often happen very naturally. I find it is especially important when engaging with friends with benefits where there might be larger gaps between engagements, but even with long term partners it makes sense to reassess consent from time to time. If nothing has changed, wonderful. If something did, it is better to know it before both sides are surprised during a session. This is especially important with harder and more dangerous kinks.
I'm not suggesting you ask for consent before every single slap. Nor am I suggesting to ask for consent before every single session, though you might want to agree on that in your relationships. What I am suggesting is very basic, simple relationship maintenance. Check in with the person you love about how they are doing and how they are feeling about the things they love, and you share. This is not just a matter of being a responsible kinkster, but of being a good and attentive partner.
5. Consent may not be transferred, relayed or assumed.
Consent can only ever be given by the two parties that are about to engage with each other. If you give your consent to engage in an activity to a partner of yours, that consent cannot then be transferred to another person. If you wish to - for example - involve another partner everyone has to discuss and give consent to and with everyone else. A dominant may not give the consent given to them by their submissive to other dominants unless that has been agreed upon. A dominant receiving such an offer should still be sure to verify such a claim with the submissive in question and not simply take another dominants word for it, meaning consent cannot be relayed. Just because someone tells you another person as consented to something, does not make it so.
I am seeing an increasing number of posts online where people say that they have images of a particular submissive and that this submissive agreed and wishes for others to humiliate/degrade/expose them. These posts often come with "proof" in from of supposed screenshots by some user giving their consent. All of this is easily doctored and even could come from a fake user account created specifically for that purpose - to pretend consent is being given. Do not trust such interactions. Consent cannot be relayed, it must be given directly by the person to you.
This leads to the last point: consent cannot be assumed. Just because someone gave consent to someone else for an interaction does not mean it is also given to you. Just because you gave consent to someone does not mean you also gave it to their friends or fellow kinksters. Consent must be communicated directly and clearly to you or between the parties engaged in any activity. Always check. Always confirm. If you are not sure: directly talk about it and do not assume.
6. Consent must be legally possible.
Even if all other points are met and well established in a connection, there is still the consideration of the legality of the interaction. With this I do not mean horribly repressive laws that might outlaw same sex interactions in certain parts of the world or that are tailored to repress transgender realities. It might be sensible to consider draconian laws if they apply to you to ensure your own wellbeing and safety from unjust prosecution, but I am mainly talking about the ability to consent within the legal boundaries of where you live.
Consent in a sexual context is often very clearly defined and considers a wide range of factors, some of which I have discussed above such as the clarity of mind and ability to give consent in the first place. More importantly though this means you may not and cannot engage with those that cannot - legally - give consent to begin with. This more often than not means minors but also includes other vulnerable parts of society. Be certain you understand the legal framework of where you live and verify with partners that both of you are within those boundaries. Especially age gap relationships need to consider this and absolutely verify that someone is not lying about their age on either side of the conversation.
7. Dealing with violations.
I have touched on the topic above, but since it's so important, especially for younger or inexperienced kinksters, let me address the issue of consent violations very clearly and directly in this section.
Your consent is not optional, nor is it negotiable. If you have limits, no matter what reason you have for your limits, they must be respected. If your limits and thus your consent is violated or your revocation of prior consent is ignored, you need to reconsider your current connection. As stated before, mistakes do happen, and especially when both (or more) partners are inexperienced it is more likely to encounter missteps. There is always a chance for it of course.
How do you recognize or decide if you are in a bad situation when a consent violation happens? Since these situations cannot always be avoided (although everyone should make this their priority at all times) and circumstances are always unique and complex, the best general indicators for what kind of situation you are in are:
- Your gut feeling
- How the situation is handled after it occurs
- How frequent are these issues?
Your gut feeling
Do not discount your gut feeling. Your subconscious picks up a lot of signals that you do not consciously process. If you have a bad feeling about a partner or situation and you cannot see a way to move past that, trust your gut. There is a distinct chance that your experience is worse than you imagine. If you have to find arguments to convince yourself that a situation is fine despite a consent violation and your gut feeling is bad, it's probably better to either cool down the connection or move on entirely.
While our emotions are not always equivalent to the truth, they are an important indicator for how reality affects us, even if we are trying everything to convince ourselves that things aren't as bad. Do consider your fears and take your own worries seriously. Introspect where those feelings are coming from and then decide what to do about the situation.
How the situation is handled after it occurs
If something was a real and honest mistake, both sides will be very willing to discuss and understand what went wrong and find ways on how to prevent such an event to not occur again in the future. Feelings will not be downplayed nor will blame be shifted. Accountability means standing up for ones errors and being willing to do what is required to make the situation right and to prevent a repeat.
If however, your concerns, fears and needs are still ignored, belittled or you are being gaslit about the severity of a situation, you are more than likely in an abusive situation.
How frequent are these issues?
Was this the first time this ever happened or does this happen repeatedly, even after addressing and trying to find solutions that will help avoid a repeat of the same consent violations? Spotting patterns will be important to determine if a partner is continually pushing boundaries and ignoring your needs or consent. If it is a repeat of the same violation over and over, you should take that seriously and reconsider engaging with a partner that does not respect your boundaries.
Inexperienced partners might make more frequent mistakes and violate consent on accident multiple times until they have found their stride. However, your own safety and sanity always come first. You have no obligation to be the partner someone else learns with and if you would rather find someone who does not have to go through the process of "learning by doing" with you, you are entirely within your rights to find someone who is a better fit. And if you are an inexperienced dominant who wishes to do right by your submissive partners: Listen to them and if you find yourself repeating consent violations, you must review your actions carefully and identify how and why you keep missing the signs that mean you need to stop.
What to do next?
Depending on how you feel and how the situation is handled after it occurred, take your time in moving forward again. Take a break from kink for a while and repair the trust that might have been violated first. Reconnect with your partner and be sure both sides are alright and take your time reestablishing a kinky connection. If there is any undue pressure to speed up this process, that would be yet another bad sign to look out for. Repairing and rebuilding trust can be very daunting tasks and are a big topic by themselves. At a base line: Starting small again, allowing smaller steps of vulnerability instead of trying to jump right back in. Not every consent violation will require a full stepping back from everything, this is up to how you feel and how much trust has been established.
Your safety comes first, do not push away your worries just to appease a partner that might not be considering your needs.