Trust & Safety
To safely engage in kink, trust must be deep, well established and go hand in hand with safety tools and a conscious, transparent discussion of these topics. Trust in kink should go deeper than it has to with non-kink relationships, because many kinky activities are quite dangerous to the health and wellbeing of the participants. Some interactions cannot be practiced entirely safely and always carry an inherent risk that is far larger than is the case with "vanilla" (meaning non-kinky) interactions or sexual conduct.
I have found the following points to be of great importance when it comes to building trust and to safely practice kink:
- Upfront, transparent and ongoing communication.
- Safety tools must cover physical, mental and emotional considerations and be observed at all times.
- Trust is both given and earned.
- Trust and safety considerations must cover everyone involved.
- Have a plan for what happens when something does go wrong.
- Safety measures can and should be practiced.
- A breach of trust or a safety violation must be honestly reviewed and have consequences.
1. Good communication.
Everyone has their own ideas about what they need to build trust with another person or what safety measures make them feel safe. This is influenced by a lot of factors and changes over time, as we gain new experiences. Sadly, the matter of safety is often something that is a consequence of breaches of safety. We get hurt in one way or another and learn something new that we need to be safe(r) about in the future. This is especially true if you are at the beginning of your kink journey. You will inevitably be hurt (not in a good way) and trust will likely be broken to some extent here and there. These moments are not the end of your journey but an inevitable part of it. If handled correctly, these are the moments that will help you build your own understanding and toolkit of what to expect and how to better navigate trust, safety and kink in the future.
Before you engage in any kinky activity and while also establishing a mutual understanding of consent, all parties involved in any kink related activity should have a shared understanding of safety, limits, needs and what is needed to build and maintain trust with everyone involved. This should absolutely happen "outside of the kink-dynamic", meaning as equal partners on eye level rather than for example as a dominant and their submissive. This is important to remove power imbalances and other factors from the conversation.
Be absolutely sure to discuss medical needs if there are any that might influence how you engage in kinks. Are you prone to seizures? Do you have specific fears surrounding certain kinky activities? Allergies to commonly used materials or liquids? Are you willing to try something light but certainly not beyond a point you wish to communicate during the interaction? Do you have needs for your mental and emotional health to be met where it comes to reassurance, humiliation or degradation? Everyone is different and there are no "one size fits all" check lists to work through in these discussions. Be sure to cover everything you can think of.
You must not be shy, and you may not hold back when discussing your needs and fears. If you cannot trust the people you are looking to engage with in kink to openly discuss all this, you might not be ready to engage in kink, or you must first build more trust with everyone involved until you are ready. Sometimes you simply have to take the plunge and take a chance on people. I'll be going a bit deeper into that with point 3.
This should not only occur once before engaging with a new partner, but continually as your relationship progresses and evolves. We all change over time and our wants and needs as well as our limits may shift and change as we grow and have new experiences. Regular check-ins on these topics is a must and helps build long lasting relationships full of trust and love.
2. Safety Tools.
Safety measures are often meant to be part of an engagement (or session, as it is often called in kink) without taking everyone entirely out of a situation and leaving room to use more commonly used phrases to stop something in our day to day lives to not mean that anymore. Especially in the context of consensual non consent (CNC) where it might be desired to ignore a "stop" or "no", it is important to agree on other phrases that will take over these meanings. It is important to understand that there is no "wrong" reason to use these tools. If you feel like you need to put a stop to a situation, no matter the reason, you must be able to do so and be able to trust your partners to respect your choice in the moment. Do not let anyone tell you that it was not alright to stop a situation just because your nose was incredibly itchy. It need not always be just a terrible event, a horrible situation, a bad flashback or a medical emergency that leads to the end or a pause of a kinky activity.
Let's look at some examples of how what safety mechanisms might be agreed upon.
All of the above rely on being within hearing or visual distance of a partner that might require the use of such methods. Personally, I never leave the room when I have a submissive restrained and ensure that all tools I choose are immediately apparent to me when used. However, my partner wisely and rightfully noted that if you do wish to be safe even under those circumstances that it is often suggested to make it possible for the sub to make some sort of noise that can be easily heard via tools like dog training clickers or dropping heavy objects. While I would not recommend leaving the room while your partner is entirely reliant on your help in case of emergency, these methods should help to make it safer, if you do chose to do it.
Safe Words
This is the most common safety measure, and we have discussed it a little bit on our page on consent already. Safe Words are agreed upon by all parties and are usually chosen to not be part of regular conversations or dirty talk so they cannot be misinterpreted as to what they mean. A very common set of safety words is the color or traffic light system using Red for a complete stop, yellow for a slowdown and temporary stop and green to indicate everything is fine. You can use any words you want, just be sure everyone who is involved understands what your words mean. Let's be really clear what the colors commonly mean but be sure to discuss this with everyone you are looking to be involved with:
- Red = Complete stop. Everyone stops with what they're doing and immediately checks in, removes restraints, gags or other tools that are being used at the moment. Inquire what the issue is and ensure the issue is being fully resolved before discussing how to proceed. Sometimes this could just be due to a cramp, but other health and safety issues could require far more extensive intervention.
- Yellow = Temporary stop. Check in with the person who has signalled and see what they need. Do they need less of what is happening? Just reposition? A sip of water? A quick breather or affirmation? Maybe even just a moment to bask in their own feelings? Either way, stop, slow down, inquire and reassess.
- Green = All good, keep going. This could be also used to navigate testing boundaries. Looking to see how much pain someone can take? As you increase the steps, your partner might indicate being open to more using "green".
While these are very common and popular and a staple of safety tools in kink, I strongly suggest that you consider the following downsides of safe words:
- Safe words require the person who is supposed to use them to be able to speak. Certain kinks such as breath play or gags do make it difficult or impossible to speak or be heard.
- Safe words can be too difficult to use due to mental blocks. Some people go non-verbal in stressful situations, when dealing with fear reactions or even just when entering sub-space. This can make it impossible to communicate their needs verbally.
- Safe words can simply be too hard if someone is embarrassed, afraid or otherwise worried.
Another issue I have found with safe words is that they tend to put the pressure entirely on whoever is supposed to use them. Yes, that can be all sides in a kinky relationship, not just submissives, but it is entirely reactionary and not very pro-active. For that reason, I have successfully implemented another tool for your safety tool kit which I call "Confirmation Phrases".
Confirmation Phrases
Similar to Safe Words, these are verbal interactions, but they are meant to be used pro-actively rather than re-actively. I like to use the pairing "Sour?" and "Sweet" as a reply if all is well or simply "Sour" if something is off. The great advantage is, that both sides can always ask this and check in at any time without breaking the mood. Of course you could simply ask "Good?" and have "Yes" or "No" answers paired with it. The words themselves do not matter much, it only has to be agreed upon beforehand.
This is especially helpful when engaging with an entirely new partner, no matter their level of experience. This can be used to reaffirm that things are currently enjoyed and good as well as to explore limits. While increasing intensity of certain activities for example giving pain to a masochist, the sadist might continually check in asking "Sour?" and seeing how the sub reacts. But even for long term relationships where trust and understanding has been well established, this is very sensible to maintain, because nobody is always at their absolute best. Some days might be tougher and require more care and loving attention. Confirmation Phrases can help navigate the more turbulent times even in established and solid relationships.
Of course, many of the drawbacks that we have discussed with safe words also apply to confirmation phrases, but not to the same extent, because it applies to both sides and the side that is not gagged or restrained can actively seek confirmation. But we should not discount the chance that neither side uses confirmation phrases despite them being agreed for one reason or another. Another common tool for your kink safety tool kit are safe gestures.
Safe Gestures
Safe Gestures help add an additional component to the safe words. These are gestures that should be able to be performed no matter the level of restraint or other circumstances and should be actively monitored for. An example for a safe gesture that I have successfully used for many years is the rapid tapping of a limb, or with the hand (when possible). The partner that is not restrained has to look for these and react to them.
Safe gestures can also be used in degrees. Very fast tapping could be equivalent to "red" and stop, while slower tapping could mean "yellow" and simply be used as a slowdown signal. Of course, if someone is in full body restraint and cannot move at all, safe gestures are also not a viable additional tool.
General Safety Advice
No matter what selection, combination or variation of safety tools you use, the primary and most important tool in anyone's toolkit will be: attention and care. Here are some basic safety rules (without any claim to being complete) you might want to consider no matter how else you attempt to ensure everyone's safety:
- Know about medical conditions and how to handle them, including administering medicines or how to quickly contact emergency services with the right information.
- Whatever type of restraints you are using, be sure that the person being restrained has a chance to free themselves or call for help in a case of emergency. The person not restrained might suffer a medical emergency themselves and leave the restrained partner stranded.
- Depending on your experience level, do not engage in inherently unsafe practices such as breath play, and more specifically: choking. Despite very common misconceptions and a huge number of tips around this practice it cannot ever be safely done. It is a very dangerous kink. I am not telling you not to do it, but you must be aware of the dangers and respect it for what it is and can do. This can lead to permanent damage and death.
- If you are unsure if a kink you wish to practice is safe, seek advice from more experienced kinksters first and/or read up on them (do not use AI, AI is prone to give you wrong and thus dangerous information).
- If you are involving tools or toys, ensure the tools are in good condition and safe to use for their intended purpose. Do use them for their intended purpose only.
- Read up on incompatibilities and how to use your tools, such as not combing the wrong lube with silicone toys or condoms.
- Know your partner's needs, fears and worries and most importantly: know and respect their limits, no matter their role in your relationship.
- If you wish to engage in wax play using candles, be sure to have a fire extinguisher ready and to be very careful with any open flame. A lot of kink-specific garments, etc. are highly flammable - this is not the kind of hot you want.
- Clean & cut your nails and file them down to remove sharp edges. Sharp and long nails can easily lead to scratches, cuts and open wounds that can lead to infections.
- Practice good hygiene and clean up before and after engaging in kink-activities. This helps prevent infections such as UTIs and makes you more appealing and attractive as an added bonus. I sure hope I don't have to write this, but just in case: Clean between your cheeks thoroughly - with soap...
- Check in with your partners and be sure to provide the kind of aftercare you and they need (discuss this, after care needs are very unique and vary even from situation to situation for the same person).
- Be sure not to be a (accidental) nuisance to - or involve - non-consenting third parties, as they have their right to consent and their well being.
Safety for the first date
Kink or no kink, being safe when meeting someone for the first time is always important. However dating in kink often invites predatory behaviour and people who will be seeing submissive folk especially as easy or sexual objects, while not understanding or caring about the nuances of what kink actually is and should be. Either way, here are some basic tips that will greatly increase your safety on a first date. Depending on your experience level, you may or may not discount some of these, but it's good to be mindful of them.
- Be sure you take your time to get to know someone before meeting them alone for a date and look out for red flags very carefully such as political alignment, thoughts on the rights of marginalized groups, understanding of consent, etc.
- Meet in a public place that is safe and where people could help you in case something goes wrong.
- Do not get into a strangers car and do not let them bring you to a different location. If plans change last minute to redirect you towards a different spot than what you had agreed on, do not take them up on it. This might be used to bring you somewhere unsafe.
- Let someone know where you will be and check in with them from time to time. You may inform whoever you are meeting that you would like to do so and they should be fine with this.
- Expanding on that: if you have a friend you trust enough for that, share your location with them.
- Do not meet them at your place or their place for the first time.
- Do not tell them where you live, or if you live alone. Ensure they cannot extrapolate where you live by following you after the date, etc.
- Do not engage in anything you feel uncomfortable with when meeting for the first time.
- Anyone trying to pressure you into something on a first date (especially any of the points above) is not safe to be with and will eventually prove that.
- Be safe. Use protection, specifically condoms to prevent the transmission of STDs if you do feel safe enough with someone to sexually engage on a first date (No judgement. Sometimes chemistry can be a very strong factor).
- Keep it light and communicate expectations for what should happen after the date: Was there chemistry and a spark? Will you continue talking? Do you need some time after the date, or would you like to just keep the conversation and chat going? Will there be a second date?
- If you did not feel it, be clear that this will not contiue, do not lead someone on. Unpopular opinion: Ghosting can be fine if you feel unsafe. Generally ghosting is not the best way to communicate your disinterest, however it could be your safest option with someone who has shown themselves to be dangerous to you in some way. You do not owe someone your reasons and some people will act out over a simple "No.". Your safety comes first.
If you encounter resistance to any of these points, that is usually a bad sign. I will say that there are always exceptions. Especially with long distance dynamics it might be impossible to follow all these safety measures, since it usually means having to meet your partner for the first time on their conditions and in a place you might not be familiar with. Try and observe as many as possible and be open about your expectations when it comes to safety with a potential partner. Their handling of the topic will tell you a lot about them.
As a personal anecdote: I've never found anyone as hot as those that align with me on these questions. Nothing better than dating in a safe, sane and consensual manner with an adult.
3. Trust is both given and earned.
Trust is a difficult topic. To earn trust, one must prove themselves to be worthy of trust, but to prove yourself trustworthy, you must first be given a certain amount of trust to prove you are worth it. Building trust starts from the very first interaction and is an ongoing and often sub-conscious process. Your upbringing and socio-economic situation will play a major role in what you need to build trust with someone. For some people trust is built through long, deep talks. For others shared experiences and time spent together will be the key.
Ideally you understand what you need to trust someone to allow them into your kink-space. Do they have to know about safety concepts such as Safe Gestures or Safe Sane Consensual (SSC) at least in theory? Must they have a certain level of experience and be able to demonstrate that their experience wasn't just them doing it very badly for a long time? Will you require an online only connection first or have it be entirely in real life? Maybe a mix of both?
Whatever it is that you need to build trust: Do not take short cuts but be open to take some minor risks. Especially if you are new to kink and finally close to experiencing all that have you have fantasized about for many years, take your time. You will have plenty of time to really indulge and experience all that you have been craving - either because you never had it or because you haven't had it in a while. Our need to be loved, accepted and sexually satisfied are very strong. The most vulnerable to abuse and lies are those that want to believe lies. Wanting to be with someone, wanting to experience all your kinks can be an overwhelming drive which might lead you to ignore some red flags.
Dating is hard and finding someone that fits is even harder when you add kink to the equation. Meeting someone who matches your freak and is an overall good fit can feel like winning the lottery, which will make us all the more likely to waive our own concerns and gut feeling. Take. It. Slow. If you are being rushed, pressured or coerced into something even if it is something you will eventually want, step back and do not engage further.
Before you even start into a potential relationship (or situationship, fling, etc.) with someone have an idea of what is non-negotiable to you. Are you willing to engage with someone on the opposite side of the political spectrum? Are you willing to engage with someone who truly might hold beliefs about you that should only be part of play and kink? Are there any indications that they are joking about your limits as you communicate them or are they actively belittling you and your experiences?
When you do decide to give your trust, be sure to keep an eye on how that trust is handled. Are your limits respected? How are safety measures used and understood?
Sadly, I cannot give you a comprehensive "one size fits all" answer here either. You will have to navigate this, but you are not alone. Speak to trusted fellow kinksters, read up on what someone wishes you to do and see what possible negative consequences might be that you might not realize even exist. An informed choice is usually better than one made in the heat of the moment.
Each side will have to prove themselves worthy of the others trust as an engagement progresses. Even after years of established trust, it can be utterly broken and destroyed with a single action. Look at what your partners are doing, less so at what they are saying they will do. If actions do not match words, it is either an indication for something weighing down your partner, requiring a check-in, or it might be indicative of the other being untruthful with you and thus not worthy of your trust.
I strongly advise against attempting to subject a partner to "tests" of trust, such as cat-fishing them to "verify their loyalty". Such actions are very deceitful and in their own right show that you are not a trustworthy partner. If you cannot trust someone to a point where you have to contrive elaborate situations to verify their trustworthiness, you are highly unlikely to ever build any kind of trust with them. If your partner is trying to put you through such tests, they are very likely not trustworthy either and should not be considered as a potential partner.
4. Everyone involved must be safe
No matter how many partners are involved with you or each other, the considerations around trust and safety should extend to everyone equally and in all directions. Just because you trust your partner, you should not assume you can trust others in the same way, even if your partner vouches for them. When relationship models become more complicated as more parties are added, the discussions around consent, safety and trust must be between everyone involved. There is always a chance that information is not properly relayed, forgotten or shortened if it is discussed by proxy. You will never have a better understanding of another person than when you speak to them directly.
This is a short point, because it does not have to be long: It is everyone's responsibility to responsibly engage with those they engage with. It is you responsibility to ensure other parties are consenting and are not put under pressure to do so. It is your responsibility to ensure you know everything there is to know about their limits and needs when engaging in kink. It does not matter what your role is, be it submissive or dominant, this is a simple matter of human decency and caring for another person you are about to be very intimate with.
Treat the situation and everyone involved with the respect they deserve until it is clear and safe to disrespect them in the ways they crave from you ;)
5. Make a plan.
There is a whole lot that can go wrong, not just in kink but in life in general. There is an old adage saying "if you are prepared for one disaster, you are prepared for all.". Have an idea of what you need to do in case of an emergency or if something goes wrong. If you love to tie up people, know how to get them out of their restraints quickly. You might be doing everything right and the safest person on the planet, a house fire will be out of your control and still require you to act and ensure your own and the safety of your partners.
This might sound very doom and gloom, but it is simply sensible to know exactly what to do when you need to do it. There is a good reason why first responders such as fire fighters and EMTs keep practicing their craft and what to do under certain circumstances. It is not because they expect the worst case to happen, but to ensure they are prepared when or if it happens.
Engaging in kink often comes with dangerous activities. Even a seemingly simple slap to the face can have very bad consequences. Humans are remarkably resilient but also incredibly delicate at the same time. I have touched upon it before, and I will repeat it again: Especially choking is very dangerous. Damaging blood vessels and cutting off blood supply to the brain is extremely dangerous and can lead to long term damage and even death. If you absolutely have to engage in this kinks, at least be sure you can administer first aid and immediately get emergency services to respond to a call. Ensure your phone is charged and ready to make that lifesaving call.
On a much less dire note: Things don't just go wrong when someone is physically hurt or needs a break due to a cramp. Sometimes a smell, word, feeling or other sensation can trigger a bad memory that will take someone out of it entirely and you will need to tackle those emotional and mental responses just as much as any physical issue. If you know about this upfront and have guidance from any affected party on how to navigate it, that is ideal.
Aftercare
This is also a point where I would like to touch on after care again. After care needs vary wildly from person to person as well as from day to day for the same people. Some might need extensive physical and emotional reassurance, others just a bit of water and a hug and even some do not require or want any after care at all.
Discuss needs before engaging in aftercare and then when after care sets in. Usually when a "scene" or "session" is ended - or a safe word/gesture is used to stop what is happening, the matter of after care should be addressed. This can be done as easily as simply asking "Does anyone need anything?" or by expressing your own needs to your partner/s. Take the time to provide whatever is needed to help each other feel safe and cherished again.
Certain kinks can really take a toll - both physically and mentally and being able to reconnect after playing out a pretty different dynamic from a loving relationship can and will be crucial. But do believe your partner if they say they do not need or want anything specific in after care. Do ensure they understand that your needs should be met however, so if your partner needs nothing but you need a lot, they should be there to provide it. If this is a major incompatibility, do not compromise on it too much to the point where your needs are not met at all anymore.
This is where you show your partner how much you cherish them and that you care for them as a person.
6. Practice makes perfect.
This is a fairly minor point but something I have found is often not considered, even among experienced kinksters. Once you have all of this in place, the safety tools, the plans on what to do when something does go wrong, you can also practice these. You can do that alone or with your partner/s to ensure that you instinctively know to use them and have no hang-ups about using them. It should be natural for you and nothing that is too awkward.
If you practice together, it might be a little bit odd, but I suggest looking at it as you would with "fire drills". Ensure everyone is informed that you will be wanting to practice a safe word or gesture sometime in the next week or so and then use it, even if it is not a real emergency. Do not test something like this without discussing it with your partners first, because that might erode trust. Ideally your partners (or you, depending on your role) will then act accordingly and show that everyone knows what to do.
There might be a worry that announcing such a "fire drill" ruins the mood until it has happened, because everyone might be a little bit more on edge. I'd argue that's precisely why it should be practiced. Everyone should not just be extra attentive around these safety tools when it is clear that they might come, because they might come at any point without warning. That is often the nature of emergencies. They tend to not let you know before they occur.
While this is fairly optional, I think it is a sensible measure, especially if you are new to kink or with a new partner.
7. Reviewing failures and drawing consequences.
If things go wrong and all measures to ensure everyone's safety and wellbeing fail or are wilfully ignored, you need to be ready to deal with this, too. Ideally you will never have to face such a situation, realistically it might very well happen, and you'd better have an idea of what this will mean for you.
Depending on many factors such as the severity, frequency and other considerations the review and consequences could be as simple as discussing the event and agreeing to adjust measures and processes to prevent such violations from occurring again. Especially with a repeated violation (or attempts of a violation) of hard limits or consent, you might want to remove yourself from the situation entirely and reassess the relationship completely. A consequence might also have to be to cut someone out of your life and never engage with them again. Even an honest mistake can have such severe impact on your own wellbeing, that it cannot be looked past, despite a sincere wish to do better by the person who violated your trust.
Relationships are complex and you will most likely be the person who knows best about your own needs and willingness to compromise and where to draw your lines. It is important to understand and realize that you are not just allowed to have limits, but you should have limits and act accordingly when they are violated.
Trust is a very, very hard thing to rebuild and - in my experience - often cannot be fully repaired. Few do make it, but it is alright to move on, if you cannot bring yourself to trust someone again. Since trust is hugely important to safely engage in kink, a breach of trust – more than in vanilla (non-kink) relationships - more likely means an end to a relationship. Your health and safety should always come first.
However, minor missteps or problems can also help build a stronger relationship, depending on how it is handled. If remorse is displayed and steps are clearly taken (actions matter here) to ensure there will be no repeat, you now have proof of the trustworthiness of the partner. Knowing all sides handle issues well and put in the work and effort to remedy issues as they arise can be very beneficial to growing trust and forging a stronger bond.